Insecurity and acceptance

So OK. Many of you may have noticed that I keep posting and then hiding the posts. There is no reason for doing so. I use this space to note my thoughts, then may change my mind or edit them afterwards. So why does it need to be public? Not sure. I’ve always used blogs to record my thoughts. So maybe I don’t want to keep them in my notebook or my devices (I used to like writing by my hand in the days but anymore). 

I was chatting with my friend as usual. Talking about vanilla relationships. She thought that a person can’t be in a relationship if one (probably me?) is insecure about herself. Mmmm. Yes and no? And I just wondered about BDSM relationships. 

Feeling secure and insecure has both been part of me. From time to time, one will take over another. “What” I feel insecure about is different from time to time. At one moment, I might be feeling uncertain about my work or my vanilla life. Another moment, I might be feeling anxious about how I look and my body. I think that’s life. I used to think that I got into BDSM because of my insecurity about how I look but as I wrote in another post, I now think I just like it. It’s my sexuality.  

I deleted some old photos from my phone and found a copy of a photo of me taken at a photo studio about 25 years ago. My parents hated this photo. Said it’s too sexual, but when I look at it now, I just wondered why I didn’t love myself when I was younger. I love this photo now. Can I love the current ‘me’ after 20 years? Hopefully, I can. 

Now, avoiding guys who may take advantage of insecurity is another story. The last person I had non-vanilla relationship with said that he didn’t care how I looked or my weight because it was a kinky relationship, not vanilla. So, just imagine how I felt when he said he wanted a vanilla relationship later… 

If I were to go into a BDSM session, it would probably mean being naked. Depending on what play people want to engage in, it may be different for others, but I will be. So, every time I start communicating with a dom, I just go nuts. If my weight is under control, great. If not, I go into a panic. Even if the potential dom was OK with how I look. 

Add to that this online craziness! All the selfies that are taken by apps and beautified. Thank you, Zoom, for the touch-up feature. I don’t take selfies so often (only with my cat?) but use the Zoom feature. I feel that MS Teams may do it without telling us because someone took a screenshot of me when I was highlighted (Teams feature) and I was surprised how lovely that looked.  

These are all good till I call someone on a video call without any make-up! Then, all my efforts to date have been wasted. Lol. I haven’t gotten over that shock yet. Even my girlfriends won’t see me without basic make-up!   

Can’t remember the TV drama’s name. One made a few years back was about 1950s or 60s and showed how ladies were removing make-ups after their partner went to bed and then getting up earlier so that they can put on make-ups. I won’t go to that extent, but I do want to touch up…

Someone suggested I read “The Beauty Myth” by Naomi Wolf. I’ve read this when I was younger, but I must’ve tossed it out. Now, I can see the point.  It may actually be more true in this day of age.

Well, whether it’s a vanilla or BDSM relationship, be with a person who accepts who you are. Speaking obvious, isn’t it? But I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t get the fact that people will take me as is or like me because of who I am. Beautified image everywhere, I couldn’t accept that someone would accept me in sexual and BDSM way. 

I previously said that I sent a photo of me which hasn’t been beautified and showed how I was at that time. That was accepted.  

I had guys who helped me change. They accepted who I was, even if, at that point, I was having weight issues.

Some people will accept you as is. Your BDSM preference. How you look. How you think. How you submit. The right person will accept you as is, and if you are willing to change, support that change. No coercion, no threatening.  

Interestingly, outside the BDSM, I can accept all of these. I know there are/were people who were charmed by me because of who I am. They didn’t care how I looked or what my weight was. Girlfriends and guys who I worked with (and current tense too) or studied.  

Sex seems to suddenly change that. 

When I don’t have self-confidence in how I look, it’s really difficult not to grab someone’s hand reaching out to you when that person says, ‘you’re fine, let’s have sex/BDSM’. But, stop and think about whether the person is right for you. 

It took me so long to come here. To ignore a hand by a wrong person. To take the right person’s hand.  

Even if the right person says it and means it, it’s not easy. It’s part of me learning to trust the other person as well. If I can’t accept what he tells me, I’m not trusting him. So if I can’t accept and trust what he says, can I really go into the BDSM scene? In my mind, I know that I should accept and lean on him. I’m trying to let submissive nature take over. Use that submissive nature to accept. It’s not a perfect solution, but I think it’ll work. 

I’m still struggling. I’ve always struggled. I am/was in constant fear that the person may leave if another person is sexually more attractive than me. I am/was afraid that I am getting older. Trying to use these as an excuse to minimise my pain. But does it? Am I masking other problems that I may have? Whenever someone leaves me, I don’t think I can stop feeling that it is because I am not pretty as others. Oh well, I had 2 partners leave me for a younger and more beautiful ladies, so that adds to my insecurity.