Pain slut….or am I?

I write a lot. There are other blogs that I write in my native language. I write all day, providing advice to others. I write reports, procedures and policies all day long. However, there are topics I can’t express what I have in my mind.

Am I into pain? I can’t answer this question. I can’t quite express what I think is an answer to this question.

My BDSM experience started with pain plays. Part of it was simply because the BDSM at that time in my local country was all about pains. It was all about sadism and masochism. The first partner was into extreme pains. I even jumped into these BDSM before sex. Out of those, there are plays that I enjoyed from the first play, to those I didn’t enjoy and I crossed those off my list. I experienced most of the deep masochistic plays. I may not have experienced lighter plays, though.

Then my playstyle changed depending on my partner at the time. However, I never have gone back to the extreme plays as I did before. I just didn’t find a partner who was willing to do it and also I could trust to let him inflict the pain I need. The ones that I found who could have inflicted the pain….well….I thought there were some mental issues, so to say.

Caning, whipping (crop), spanking and paddling stayed on the list depending on the partner as I do admit, I like them. For some reason.

I recently used the word ‘break me’. Probably that’s what I want from BDSM. Not physically, of course. How that can be achieved will be up to the partner. If they can achieve it without pain, good on them (am I provoking?).

I have a terrible habit of observing the dom, very calmly even at a play scene. I act as if I am 100% in the play, but most of the time, I am not. Not that I don’t trust the partners. This happened even when with the partners I trusted the most. Some may call it topping from the bottom. Fine. I won’t argue whether it is or not. Call it anything, but the fact is that I wasn’t able to immerse myself into the scene.

It’s a defence mechanism that I have, even for my vanilla life. I carefully observe others. Read their body language. I recently spoke with a therapist and noticed that this has been my defence mechanism from very early in my life, probably as early as 5 years old (oh let’s just say that that’s what happens if you have a gifted child! I can now imagine how difficult I must’ve been as a kid for my parents).

So, I think the pain could have been the thing that pushed this calm persona down even if it was for a very short period of time. It could have been done by sex, but I never experienced such a strong pleasure from sex. I want to break or shatter this persona. I want this persona to be broken, shattered and destroyed. So that I truly enjoy BDSM. Truly enjoy sex. The level of pain I need for this is quite extreme….I think. Not even sure if I can tolerate it now.

However, I also feel that it is not only the level of pain. If I was whipped so much as to bleed, by someone, is that enough? If I pass out from the pain, does that mean that the persona will be gone? No, I don’t think so. It’s about who is inflicting the pain or pleasure and how much. Why he is doing it to me. Why I want them inflicted on me by him.

This won’t happen with someone I just ‘trust’. The level of trust that I require against that person will be pretty high for this to happen. Most of the play partners and vanilla partners, I ‘trusted’ them. However, with all partners, the level of trust for me to submit was never there.

I am not an easy person to dominate. Even a friend who is now my best friend told me how difficult for her to make me open up and how she was frustrated for a long time. Imagine how difficult it is for a potential dom to make me open up. So that the persona is pushed down. It may have to be done forcibly. Or does it?

Break me. By pain or pleasure. So that when we only have each other in a room, I can’t look at anything other than you. So that I can’t think anything else. So that I won’t think why you are inflicting pain on me and why you are giving me pleasure. So that I won’t doubt that you want me. So that the only thing I crave in the room is you. Pain is just one of the means I agree to let him use. Show me what other ways you can break me. I will still be carefully observing till the last moment you break me. So…what’ll happen if I push down my defence persona? Will I truly submit? Truly enjoy the pain and pleasure? Will the slut in me be allowed to get out?

Show me how much the pains you inflict and the submission give me pleasure.

So, do I really need pains? Not sure…to be honest. But I also know that I enjoy pain. Whatever the reason is, I think that’s me as a sub. Won’t change.