One of my hobbies are drawing/painting which I have been doing for 20 years. I was sketching / painting some BDSM scenes today and thought…I can’t show this to anyone…but on reflection, I should probably come up with something that I can use here….
I can’t say what I want if I were to meet a Dom.
Well, to be more precise, I don’t want to communicate my real desire to the Dom.
What do I like?
What situation do I like? Do I want a role play?
How do I want to be spanked? How hard? Belts? Crops?
How do I want to be fucked?
How do I want to be restrained?
…there is no way I can express myself.
I want to lose myself. I want to cry. I want to resist with my full power but want to be overpowered. Want to feel powerless. My vanilla strong myself to be destroyed. Want my mind to be filled with the other person. Want to just look at him. Nothing else. I want to be controlled. I want to scream, be pleased, please him as he intends. When I am in this mode, sometimes my English ability lowers, which is an issue as suddenly I can’t answer the questions the Dom may ask. Not that I can express in my other language. I can’t. Just my brain stops working…and that’s what I want but sometimes irritates the Doms too.
..I can’t express them. I feel that if I am really honest about what I want, it’s too much for the most Doms.
I also know that many Doms resorted to physical power to make the above happen, but it’s not only the physical power that I crave. Someone who can mess with my mind too.
I feel like I have one feet in masochist / slave rather than being a simple submissive. The responsibilities that I impose on Dom are too much for the most Doms.
That’s why I keep them inside my mind.
Thinking….thinking….and thinking every day.
Locked. Still.