Trust..and lies

Trust and BDSM. Another buzz word for domination and submission. Trust that your/sub’s limit won’t be breached. Trust that the sub will speak up when there is something wrong. So that the sub won’t be hurt and dom won’t unintentionally hurt the sub.

Before we go into trust in BDSM (could be another topic given that I was talking about trust with another sub), we are entering into a ‘relationship’ of some sorts (excluding when you are engaging in one night stand). Shouldn’t the ‘vanilla’ trust be established as you do for your friends and your vanilla partners?

I haven’t thought about it too much before. Yes. I had a hunch about whether I can trust the person or not, before actually engaging in a BDSM. However, I was one who tend to rely on my hunch and what my body says. I used to think if I was hurt, that’s my responsibility anyway. And that it was easier to feel the Dom by going into the scene. Observe the Dom. His voice. His facial expression. His body. So, probably I left a part of myself out of the scene so that I could do this.

I was lucky the most of the times. My sexual desires sometimes overrid my hunch telling me not to go into the scene, and I was phycially and emotionally badly hurt too. Nobody should know. I just tried to brush it off as my fault that I ignored my warning signs.

It’s very ironical as in my vanilla life, I’m very analytical and logical person. That’s the nature of my job. It requires me to consider every word on a document or spoken by a person. I am required to come to a plausible conclusion through an analysis. Even before I started to work, my brain worked in the same way. Quietly observe and analyse. I remember my parents hated me for this.

I could’ve done the same with prospective doms. However, I don’t want to do in my BDSM and turned off (a part of) my analytical brain. Also, if I do that with screening the Doms and start asking questions, I think the reactions from the Doms will be ‘don’t you trust me’?

So, provided we are in the same city, I met up with Dom quite quickly. Not necessarily to play but at least to meet up for a coffee or drink. However, that meetup only consisted of talking about our limits. Then, I decided whether the Dom is trustworthy through the sessions and our exchanges after entering into a BDSM relationship. I can see how wrong it was now, and I was lucky that I was only hurt in a small number of occassions.

Because of the COVID lockdown and other reasons (including my own reasons), I haven’t been able to meet in person with a prospective Dom. So we just had to rely on message exchanges, telephone and occasional video chats.

We’ve been communicating for few months, in these ways. I think I am the more impatient one. I can’t rely on a hunch. I can’t rely on how my body reacts to him whilst in a session. I can’t really observe Dom’s body or voice tells me. I can’t tell from how he holds me whether he wants me or not.

When we started to communicate, I said to the prospective Dom that I hate people who lie.

I also hate people who think that they can contradict what they said before and think that I won’t notice it. My memory is quite good. Well, it’s deteriorating but I think it’s still good. Then when I notice a lie, my trust meter for that Dom or plainly as a partner, just goes down. So, I also don’ t have a huge number of ‘friends’ in vanilla life, but all of them are trustworthy friends who also value the same.

I never expressly said it to anyone. I simply cut off some people from my life if they kept on lying. This was the first time that I drew a line.

However on the other hand, I don’t think I was truthful to everyone too. I was scared that what I say might deter the Dom away from me. I wanted to keep the Dom so did whatever they told me to. Or, I pretended, even in the session. Pretending on messages and phones were, of course, easier. When I thought that the person lied to me, I didn’t question it as well. I was afraid that by questioning, they would leave.

I trusted that this current prospective Dom will do so and truthful to me. Whilst we didn’t expressly discuss it, he would expect me to do the same in exchange. I think there was one time that he thought I was lying and there was one time I wondered whether his word was true. However, other than that, I didn’t see any red flags which said he lied to me. I hope that he has been feeling the same.

I trust him when he says he is not communicating with anyone else. I said to him that I haven’t been answering to any messages on the Fetlife. My counsellor asked me whether I was communicating with others as she was probably worried that my mind was too filled with this one person. If this doesn’t work out, it’ll just be a big blow for me. She was implying that he would have no way to know.

Whilst I understood why she might’ve asked the question, my answer was no, because I said so to him. How do I know that he wasn’t? How does he know that I wasn’t? There is no way to know, is there? Other than to trust each other.

The small trust which had nothing to do with the BDSM started to build up. I started to think that I can say anything to this person and I don’t have to feel ashamed. Oh he was persitant too. haha. If he thought he needed to know something as it’s important for our BDSM relationship, he didn’t let me get away with ambiguous answers too even if I didn’t want to answer it.

Started to talk a bit about my vanilla life too. Started to talk about what I want, what I don’t and what I want to try. Not all, but some about what happened in the past. That should’ve given him some idea about who I am, on more basic level.

Given that I was adamant that I won’t be a doormat sub this time, I was truthful about everything when asked or when I thought I needed to tell him. It’s not easy when it’s mostly online exchange. Some exchanges were misunderstood, and we had to untangle the mess at times. If I thought something didn’t add up, I asked what I was thinking and asked for an explanation.

The funny thing? We haven’t discussed or disclosed who we really are. This is very unusual for me. I usually know about the person (although the other person wouldn’t know), enough by the coffee meet. Usually know who he really is but didn’t asked. I didn’t go for a coffee until I had a fairly good understanding that I knew who he was.

As I said in the previous post, I didn’t give my full first name to others, but again, they probably knew who I was, before they met me. It’s very easy to track me unless I give out a completely fake name, which I didn’t.

One person whom I met online and whom I was in a relationship once told me that I should’ve asked for his drivers’ licence when we had met up for a coffee to be safe. Maybe, but given that my attitude was ‘if I’m hurt, that’s my fault’, what was I going to do with it? It was very unlikely that I would ever go to the Police, and I didn’t when I should’ve. By the way, I do recommend subs to ask to see the identity and take a photo. Send a copy to a friend if necessary.

I might’ve wrote before on this blog (maybe in a deleted post), but I don’t feel the need to with the current person I’ve been communicating. I know that he would tell me if I ask, and it’s the same with me. I just don’t feel the need for it. Also, if the person has a fear of being stalked from the previous relationships, then if I don’t have to cause him a concern, I won’t. Also, I’m quite sure that we both have enough information about each other that we can find out if we really think we need to (and no, I don’t need to).

I said No to online plays for a while. He was patient and waited. After he waited until I was comfortable to start to exchange sexual/BDSM messages, we started to.

As I said, we haven’t met in person. So I wasn’t going to destroy the trust we had built up. What does this mean? If he asks me to do something. I do. I don’t lie. If I can’t do it or don’t want to do it, I will tell him and why.

If he asks me how I felt, I will answer truthfully. I wasn’t going to lie that I had fun when I didn’t. I wasn’t going to lie that I came when I didn’t. Some of the stuff we do are for our fun. Some are things that he is doing for me. I trust as such.

Sometimes, I don’t have any answers. Then, I can only be truthful about how I felt. He would modify where we are heading depending on the answer. I trusted that he would.

I noticed that I was really enjoying these sexual exchanges and thought why…when I had faked it before. Yes, that’s because I was truthful to him when I didn’t want to engage in such exchanges. It only started when I felt comfortable. It’s because basic trust, not as a Dom/sub, but more basic level trust has already been established.

Maybe I can say that previously I was young and taking risks. I might be older and wiser? However, I am still a risk taker. I don’t think that part of me changes. It could simply mean that my hunch said that I could say to him not to lie and set basic rules. He could’ve been a person who says he wouldn’t but actually lie. But my logical mind and instinct both said he wasn’t lying.

Meaning, simply I was just very lucky to find someone like him. Maybe I won’t know if this is true or not until I do the same as I did with him to another person. Although I think that if this doesn’t work out, I’ll be out of BDSM. I have been out of any BDSM relationship for a while and I didn’t expect to be back in the BDSM.

What I wrote is probably the same for any long distance relationships. It’s not my first long distance relationship, but that one changed into a long distance one after we had entered into a relationship (and due to my life), so it’s not the same.

So….do you always build up enough trust as a person? It’s difficult when our sexual urges take over our brain and I still have to stop myself from time to time, but I’m very interested to see how I would feel in an in person BDSM session (if we are lucky to reach that far) and how different I will feel from previous sessions that I mainly relied on my instinct and sexual desire. I was lying to the Dom. I was lying to myself.