Thirst

I crave to be a submissive.

To whom I can hand over my total control.

To whom I can submit.

To whom I can look up to.

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I haven’t been in a BDSM relationship for a while. I also haven’t been in the BDSM relationship continuously. There were years of gaps between when I had a dom and when I didn’t.

I try to tell myself that it’s better to be without a dom than to be hurt by them. I’ve experienced that, too often.

That said, there are days that I crave and almost want to scream that I want to submit to someone that I choose as my Master. A Master who chooses me. The sense of thirst, longing and yearing are so strong that I close my eyes and may find myself quietly in tears. It can be about sex. It can be something other than sex.

Someone I trust. Someone strong enough to take me and control me. Someone I can allow to do anything to me., with me Someone I can love as a submissive. Someone who will love me as a submissive. Someone who can play a catch-ball of words and minds and highly suspenseful games with me.

My full body…my skin…my heart. Everything in me is screaming that I want to find my Master and want to be with him. Online, hypnosis….no that won’t cut it for me. I know I crave the voice, his smell, the touch, his gaze…and sex.

Non-submissive me is trying to supress this craving. Trying to deceive that I can live without being a submissive. Needing. Crave. Aching.

There are days that I cannot stop this thirst.

Acting as if nothing has happened. I sit quietly and just let my heart cry. Let the tears out.

I know that I will get tired and eventually fall asleep.

Pretend that it never happened. Pretend that I am fine as is.

So that I can be strong. So that I don’t crave for something that I cannot have.

Because I know that the craving is…inexhaustable. I know that if I get hold of a small part of what I want, I would want more and more.