Loving and coming

Loving oneself is….difficult.

I never loved myself. My body. Or Me.

BDSM gave me momentary and strong pleasure but didn’t give me a total climax. Never had I passed out from pleasure or pain. I let myself go to the edge of climax and kept myself there. Then I took a deep breath, took myself out of the scene and pulled myself back to the reality. Not sure why I did it. Scared, maybe? I didn’t know what was there if I climax or pass out.

If I can’t come in BDSM, that meant I couldn’t come in a vanilla sex.

I didn’t trust anyone who I played with or slept with, except for, maybe, one person. However, even with him, I didn’t want to let him see myself climaxing or me after coming.

The question from men were all the same – What’s wrong with you?

Now.

I started to trust 2 people. Both, showed me, in different ways how to love myself and my body.

Now, in the evening and in the morning……I am half sleep. I think about what I’ve been told, imagine scenes or sex that I may engage in and touch myself. I find that I can love myself and my body. I take a deep breath not to get myself out of the pleasure, but to sink into more pleasure.

I can come at a command. A command by a person that I trust.

When there is no command.

I ask….

Can I come….?

What will be the answer?