A sunny weekend day in Australia.
In the middle of afternoon.
I am sitting at my lounge chair with my cup of tea…and what my mind starts to wander is about BDSM.
About the potential Dom.
About the potential play.
What I want. What he wants.
I re-read some of the messages that I sent. Is there anything else that I want to tell him?
I’m slowly getting preparing myself to be a sub after long years away from BDSM. It’s exciting and frightening. Which is more? I don’t know.
New lingeries…..how far do I want to go? Are these too much?
Imagining how I would look in them. Corsets. Bra. Garter belts. Other stuff that I bought. Will I wear any of them to our first face to face meet up?
To a meet up in a public neutral place, that will have nothing to BDSM or sex…from outside. Yet we will be there to see through the outer layers of each other. We will be imagining the other naked. We will be having tea/coffee and may be talking about something that is not about BDSM. But we will be reading each others’ body language. How much do I want to reveal? Is what I felt about the Dom all correct? Can I sleep with him? Do I want to be handled rough by this person? We know both of us are good at reading other people. So the game is on.
Make the final call? Or is it, really? I strongly feel like I want to skip the coffee session…first time I ever thought so.
Then I sip my tea, close my eyes and have to take a deep breath. I can’t deprive him the chance to say no. Can I see him straight in his eye? Probably not. I would have to avoid his look as I do like a sub. My eyes tell too much emotion. It will be too apparent that I want him.
How will wearing them make me feel? Do I need them as a costume that I slip into a sub mode?
High heels…..I won’t go back into pin heels straight away, due to my physical conditions, so let’s start from something else. Walking around with a new pair of shoes….and I noticed how much I had missed them. Makes me feel confident. Makes me feminine. Makes my ankles, one of the parts of my body that I like, look sexy. Walking around and I stop. I notice my feeling wearing it.
A pair of high heel sandals that look ordinary. I would probably wear it to the office. I would probably wear it to the Board meetings. Yet only I know the reason why I bought it. Reminds me of why I have bought it. Reminds me that I am both a dominant and a submissive.
Dark coloured nails….All my nail colours are neutral for my work. I clip my nails because I play piano. So whilst it isn’t ideal…I can’t sink my nails into your skin. Be naughty. I shopped dark coloured nail colours which I haven’t bought in years. Everytime I finish a relationship, I tend throw away these dark colours. They are only for my Doms to see. Not for me in the light. They are only for me in dark.
This is probably another ‘costume’ that I wear to be a sub. It’s a costume and also an armour for me. I like the way that Doms look at my fingers with dark wine colours. When I slide my finger and nail on his skin even in a dark room. So that he could clearly see where my fingers are. So that I could clearly see where I am teasing the Dom.
Dark coloured lip colours. Will I wear it? Maybe not? I don’t want to look like a slut. And I want to be a slut too. Dark colours will accentuate my lips. A smile that everyone compliments. Can I smile? Or will I be too anxious?
Will I go with heavy make ups? Not sure.
Taking care of my body. Everytime I put a cream on and massage my body, I wonder what will happen to my skin. There’s me who can’t stop wondering what and how I will feel…..by the Dom seeing me, touching me, inflicting me a pain, giving me a pleasure. I touch my sensitive skin. It’s wanting to be touched, lightly and wanting to be grabbed hard, feeling the strength of the Dom. How will it bruise, if any?
Perfume. Which one will I go for? One that reminds me of innocence. No, probably not. Whilst I want to go to the other extreme extent, something that I may never wear in the office, I decide on which one. One that changes scent when I body gets hot …when I get hot with the Dom, BDSM and sex.
I have one last thing that I want to buy. Haven’t made up my mind ‘when’ to wear it.
That will complete my sub costume.