Challenge

I keep on thinking.

From time to time.

During the day.

During the night with wines.

During the night in my bed.

What kind of a sub do I want to be this time?

Whilst my heart says I want to be an obedient and good sub, I don’t think I will be. That’s not the game that I want to play. That’s not fun.

If I do find a compatible Dom, I want to play to the limits of our brain and emotion.

No one was strong enough to accept me as I am. No one was smart enough to accept my challenges. No one has given me his hand and made me feel comfortable closing my eyes and just following him.

What happens if I resist?

What happens if I challenge him?

What happens if I argue?

Will he notice what I’ve done intentionally and unintentionally?

I will irritate him. I will make him upset. I will tease him.

Carefully. My emotions are hidden behind a mask and I will be calmly watching the Dom behind my mask. Looking for a Dom who can see me through the mask. My bad habit. I test the Dom by irritating him and upsetting him.

I want to feel the force of the Dom. His strength that holds me to a place. His raw emotion. Him wanting me. Me wanting him. With my skin. With all my senses. So that I can shut down my brain and follow his lead.

I will challenge him. The Dom. The one who should not be challenged. Some gave up. Some got exhausted. The most of them were not up to the challenge.

What do I want to do this time? When will I do this? Not the first time, so the second time?

…It all depends on the Dom. So too early to think about it even before find a Dom.

There is a hidden core within me, who hasn’t come out yet. Who wants to have crazy sex like nobody will approve. Who wants to scream. Who wants to show emotions….enjoy the pain and cry from pain and pleasure…..someone who wants to be loved.

It is the Northwind and Sun, to be honest.

There needs to be some force for its shell to be cracked open which I rely on the BDSM. There needs to be a respect from me to Dom that makes me feel like I want to step out of the shell.

A childish myself……..who wants to act as I desire. Hidden deep, deep, inside me.

However…..I noticed that this ‘me’ is showing up recently….wanting to come out.

Will it happen this time?