BDSM in non-mother tongue?

Even having lived in English speaking countries for more than half of my life (including some years as a kid), I used to think I had issues communicating my internal feelings to my partners in English.

I envied whenever a lady from the same country is (vanilla) partnered with an English speaking guy and that new partner starts learning my mother tongue so that he can communicate with her. I see a lot here. How nice of them!

I asked every partner, jokingly, why wouldn’t they learn that language for me. All I got was ‘are you serious? you can fight with me in English, why would I need to learn language A?’ haha. Maybe just as a show of affection? 😂 Even the smartest guy that I was previously with said ‘sorry too hard’.

I’m a complex person. I do not fit neither in my original country, let’s say A, or in Australia. I didn’t and don’t fit in A as I was brought up for several years in the USA when I was a kid. Such culturally different two countries.

I came over to Australia, but of course, it’s a bit different from the USA, and of course, 10+ years spent in country A, I had to fit into A as much as possible. So when I came over, I was neither a person who grew up in the States or A. I feel like I am not fitting into A or States or Australia, to be honest. But always been judged that I was a person from the States (when I went back to A) or a person from A (when I am in Australia) with certain traits that people think that I have from those countries.

In terms of business, it’s less of an issue. I can write advice, board reports, anything. Just have to be careful about some grammar, which the American English and British/Australian English are so different 😕. Believe it or not, it’s just not spelling and vocabulary that are different. Major headache is with English grammar. Oh talk about some discrimination in business due to me not being able to write a perfect English because I am not a Caucasian…I won’t go there.

OK. Let’s leave the business side.

So what does it leave me? I sometimes am left feeling that I don’t have enough English vocabulary to express my feelings. I often am googling and searching for words that fit my feelings. Trying to extremely careful about what word I would use in the communications with my friends and partners. I don’t have enough vocabulary so end up using dictionaries when there is a word I don’t understand. It stops my train of thought.

Let’s say I’m negotiating a scene. How hard do I want it? Not sure where I can look up words to express a degree of strength, which will be different from a person to person. But that’s not the point.

I will write another point about the word ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’ and how they are not common terms in country A. They have a different set of terms they use. Those words have not been translated into English. It is different from dom and sub. I cannot decide whether I like the words dom/sub, top/bottom or the terms in A.

What kind of pleasures are there? Can I really express what I want? Where is the best place to look it up? Fetlife….mmm…maybe. Maybe not.

Can I exactly explain to the person what kind of relationship I want? I have a think about it and I look up both in English and in language A and often feel like I can’t express it enough. I feel like I’m scratching the surface. It’s also because there is a cultural difference. To be precise, I would need to explain the background of it too.

How?

Nowadays we don’t time for that, so I have to just be happy with whatever word I can find on the Internet. I read a lot of English books fictions and non fictions, but because I can easily guess the meaning when a word is used in a sentence, my mind doesn’t really register any new words. I might be too old.

I did some English literature at uni (both American and British literatures) from Shakespeare to let’s say, Kazuo Ishiguro. So where has all that vocabulary gone?

I don’t read porns. (OK some BDSM ones) But given that they are fantasies, and aimed so that everyone can understand it, I don’t think I found a word that I would like to retain.

Say in the BDSM session, I might want to tell the dom that there is something wrong with how he has used a rope against me. I remember thinking…..I can’t explain it. What’s the word in English? How can I explain and not offend the Dom?

Of course, I won’t have a phone with me to look up! Additionally, my mind goes blank if I am exhausted. Nothing major, like I can use the safe words if that’s the case. But how do I tell the Dom that it’s not pleasant and shouldn’t be done in that way?

So back to the question…..I’m trying to explain what I want in a BDSM relationship and I cannot think of an expression to express it. No I don’t think the word lover would fit. Or does that word have any meaning behind it that I don’t know? Partner? No probably not. That doesn’t feel right either. etc….. I don’t care what the word is. If I can find one or what we mean by the use of that word is the same. However, on the other hand, I didn’t feel like I could accurately tell the person what I am looking for and what I am not. What I am not part is easier. What I am looking for, is in my heart. My soul. I wanted to express it but I just couldn’t. So I go back thinking about it, and thinking how I could express it in few words as possible.

Is it a language problem? It may not be. It may simply be that I may not be able to express myself (even if I were to write it in language A). But I sometimes feel like I don’t have enough vocabulary in A or in English. Neither here or there. So annoying.

It may sound weird as I am writing this much. But that’s how I feel. I just don’t feel that I can explain my emotions enough in English. I read the replies to emails and messages and think…..no, that’s not what I meant but I don’t have to correct it because this person got 80% of what I wanted to say.

Then, the small discrepancies start to snowball. It’s usually the case that I still can’t get my head around how to stop this.

Maybe it’s the issue with using instant messaging services. We aim to chat in short sentences. I cannot write long sentences or it’s going to be too much of a burden for the recipient. I also miss the chance of correcting misunderstandings more than in an email because there are cross overs of replies between us and I feel like we’ve moved on to a new topic.

Unlike when I write business emails, when I chat over the messenger services, I find some typos and grammar mistakes later when I am re-reading them. Ms little perfectionist hates them too! It’s like when we talk face to face, people are likely to dismiss such mistakes and my grammar is terrible. I’m going with the flow, but those words won’t be recorded. But when it’s written and has grammar mistakes? Oh my. I feel like I’m a terrible English writer….