I have so many unfinished drafts on this site, and ones in other previous sites that I’ve created and abandoned. Some are still floating somewhere in the sea of the Internet. Some may have already sank to the bottom of the sea.
Not sure if I have enough vocabulary to express what I want to say (and that’s why I have so many unfinished drafts everywhere).
BDSM allows my soul which is trapped in my body to be released.
It’s a liberation.
..if I can engage it with a ‘right’ person. A person who I can trust.
Someone who can accept this trapped soul is. Soul that wants to be liberated.
Like Janus. They are both me.
Logical and calm v emotional, no logic, no rationality
Chastity v hypersexual and almost nymphomaniac
Dominant v submissive
Independent v wanting to be protected like a child
But, I want to hide this. I am not easily handing this inner and hidden soul to you.
I used the word ‘armour’ once on fetlife. There are too many layers of armour that I wear and invisible to me that I don’t know where the armour ends.
It actually can be opened. Forcibly. In the past, I think I let doms open me forcibly using extreme pains for doms to rip out the layers of armours and allowed a part of my soul to peek out and play.
Forceful removal of armours left me with wounds that hurt when I try to put the armour back on. Some left permanent wounds in me. I don’t know if the armour that I had to put back on is strong enough.
Not sure if I can go through the agony again.
This time, once I were to find someone who has earned my trust, I want to hand the armours myself. Handover the reins.
Not the game of ‘can you rip my armours off me?’ that I have played in the past. Many doms got so upset that they weren’t able to rip through the armours.
Experience sexual experiences that my soul wants by willingness.
I will, find someone who will not manipulate me into taking the armours off.
After I hand over my rein and soul, if the person is the person who earned my trust, I want to see what fun he would have with my hidden ‘me’. ‘Me’ that I so want to hide or admit that it is me.
I know the intensity will be crazy. The dom, through touching and playing with hidden me, is forcing me to admit how crazy I can be. How erotic I can be. Will I have a courage to admit to real me inside?
In exchange of handing over ‘me’, the reward I get is that I see dom’s hidden soul.
What we exchange is different from one relationship to another.
I’m looking forward to who I meet, in exchange of me.
Both hidden me, and the dom’s hidden himself.
They are both something that we do not others to see. It may not even be something that other BDSM partners may have seen or reached.
Can both of us be bare?
Can we bare to be bare all?