My work colleague, who is older than me, has extensive experience and probably more intelligent than me said to me that I was a rare person who was not afraid to challenge him, put a 🪢 (who knew there is a rope emoji?) around him and pull back, and put him in place if required.
I quietly chuckled. Setting aside that my dominant 😈 side has been probably surfacing without me knowing, my answer to him was that it was because I knew he respected my skills and opinions, he trusted me that I would speak up if he went down a wrong path, I knew that he would listen and he created a safe place for me to express my opinion.
Where is this leading in terms of BDSM?
‘Safe, sane and consensual’ – “safe” doesn’t just mean physically or mentally safe during the session. Safe place to discuss. Both of us. Before, during and after the session.
A dom needs to :
- create a place which makes me feel that I as a sub can safely discuss any issues with him; and
- trust that I will speak up about my needs and limits.
I will, at minimum:
- also create a space for dom to open up; and
- let any concerns known to the dom; and
- trust that the dom will listen and consider whatever I say.
It’s a negotiation, to be honest. Especially if we start from online exchanges. Kind of like a bridge game ♠️, but we not being partners, but on the opposite sides. We don’t show all of our cards at once but communicate what we are willing to negotiate. But ….first, you need to know that the person is speaking the same language. We will also be honest.
Why do I have to get so many messages on fetlife, with almost no substance, and wouldn’t want to reply even just to say ‘sorry, nope’? I just don’t understand. All those demeaning messages. Are they doing just to annoy me? (I agree my profile is very annoying to some) Another sub told me that she gets messages from potential doms who just sends sexual messages in the first message or a photo of his cock 🤔 (I always resist the urge to reply ‘oh smaller then I thought 🧐’ ). Or that the sub shouldn’t do 🙅🏻 something (yeah got that one myself too).
This time, I’ve set some hard limits to myself. It could be about BDSM. It could be about something else. Some are not even communicated to the potential dom. It’s my mental checklist. 📝
I expected that there should be some introduction to create a connection 👋🏻, just like any other SNSs. I’m quite sure that the person who has been communicating with, had similar expectations and lists with him too.
I did ask what the person likes in terms of BDSM in broader terms early on, just to check that we were not off too much. Let’s say if that person was into 🚽, we would’ve wasted our time. However, let’s get into that after at least the first introduction, shall we?
Then, there’s the issue of whether a safe environment for me to discuss more into details about what we each like has been created. There is no formula on how to create it. You can stay on fetlife anonymously communicating as long as you want. If either of us are easily dismissing things that the other had said, then a ❓ will start to appear.
In the space we I should be able to say “No” to something, and he should be able to say “I want to do this” to me too. Both of us should be able to say “I want to do this” or “No” without any fear of the private exchanges suddenly found somewhere on the Internet. We also don’t want to feel embarrassed if we say “I want to try/do this”.
Disclosure, is something that can’t be entirely controlled. Fetlife messages can be screenshot, your texts will be saved or forwarded. Your telephone/in person conversation can be recorded (illegal in Australia). So, it’s important that you stop if something is off. If the person wants a pic or your private parts, DON’T. (yuck…how many messages did I get about these?)
A police officer once threatened me to go public with the contents of my messages and take it my workplace to embarrass me. I said, do you actually know that right this moment, you committed a crime (under ABC law) and whilst I hadn’t told you I know your superintendent personally? He -😨😨😨😨😨😨
So a space that we know it would not leak out. Both of us know that whatever we say will be judgment free. If one wants to push the other, they still can. I know my words will not be used against me any unexpected manner (except to be used in the BDSM sessions and it’s not ‘unexpected’ as I planted some) or made public. I also know that I can say clearly 🆖 🆗🆒. The same goes for the other person too.
Once the trust it earned, we are putting everything on the table. Let’s open all cards. There are several things I said, no to I don’t expect them to be brought up again. There are things we would like to explore. There are things that I wouldn’t normally consider but I would with this person. There are things we can’t decide until we have an in person session. Even for the last one, I know my safety won’t be compromised in anyway. I’ve also let this person do certain things that could’ve been in ‘no’ basket, but because I enjoyed it too and knowing that I can stop at anytime.
After we meet, I do know that we will chat about it in person but also continue the chat here.
So, has your BDSM partner created a space like that?