Do I know what turns me on when it comes to kink or BDSM?
Yes and No.
How can I communicate them to a prospective dom?
There are hard limits.
- Anything that leaves a mark where others can see (permanent or not).
- Anything that will leave me not being able to do my day to day job (too ambiguous, isn’t it?).
- Decided to put denigration in a hard limit basket for now – until I feel that I can allow that with a right dom and feels it turns me on.
- Anything public (whether it can be seen from others or not).
- Anything that involves anyone other than the dom and I.
- Rope may be included here for a while. I don’t think my joints will take them well with my back, shoulder, knee and neck issues.
- Scat / urine /spit.
- Sex without condom under any circumstances.
- Sending the dom any pictures/videos of private parts or naked.
Then, there are things I want and soft limits that really depend on who I am with and how much I trust.
- forceful sex / mock rape – but what does it mean? Am I agreeing to sex even when I am not turned on and wet? Can there be a restraint? What kind of restraint is it? Rope in terms of shibari may be out, but then can there be rope to tie my wrists or arms? Will I agree for my mouth to be gagged? Do I trust that person that much? It went into a ‘soft limit’ basket after men took advantage and had sex without condom.
- Anal sex, toys – it goes into hard limit basket for anyone who is not experienced enough. I don’t want to do anything without a prep….and not sure everyone is aware of how much prep it takes on my side or else it’s so grose.
- not doing anything to me as a form of punishment? – not sure why this is a turn on for someone. Feel like they were lazy.
- spanking/cane/crops – again, the dom needs to be experienced especially for cane and crops.
- Crying and fear – Turns me on, but how can this be achieved? I haven’t met anyone who can dominate psychologically, so usually these comes from pain. Crying from pain and seeing dom being satisfied turns me on. Probably because I want to cry and go hysterical and scream in my non-BDSM life. I have too much self control that I never show to others. I need a place to let out my emotions without a control (on my side). Fear is ambiguous thing, as it needs to be achieved within confines of hard limit.
- Face slapping – so long as there’s no bruise or if others won’t notice that there’s something wrong, like swollen too much. Honestly not sure this turns me on.
However, my biggest turn on for me is seeing at dom who is getting satisfaction by what I do and how I react. His eyes. His erection. His emotion that is shown in his eyes and face. How dom sees me. Tone of his voice. His force and again emotion that I feel from my skin. For example, if he is fucking me or holding my wrists.
That has put me in a danger in the past as I almost took everything that dom did, even if that was not a turn on for me, at all.
I think I am older and wiser so I know I’d better keep my hard limits firm. However, I feel it’s so difficult as I know I take anything to see the dom’s satisfaction.
I also have a bad habit of igniting his anger if I can’t get what I want. For me, it’s so easy to ignite his switch. If what follows is anger and pain, I wanted it. Not a good sub, of course. I’m so afraid that I will repeat this with a dom I don’t want to lose. Stupid me, I think. But I can’t stop myself from playing that mindgame. Somewhere deep inside me, I feel like I want him to be mad at me as I have his attention.
I am communicating with a potential dom about what the limits are. But I don’t know….as if I think I want to be with the dom, I know I’ll say yes to it. Limits can be pushed, that is for sure. Where do I put a boundary? If I move my hard boundary because I wanted to see him be satisfied, how does that work? Will I regret it later?
Then the true question is….is it what we do that turns me on? or is it the dom?
Probably the answer is so apparent. Yes, it’s the dom.
The only dom who really turned me on was someone smarter than me (academically and street smart too). Others…I lied to myself. Just tried to substitute a deep, mental satisfaction I wanted with a pain so that I don’t have to think about anything.
Looking for a person who I can kneel. Someone who I can trust. Someone who I can respect. Someone who can be rough and take me out of the day to day world. Someone who can punish me. Someone I can let go of my control and hand it over. Really. Handover everything.
Not that easy. As doms won’t be fully responsible of me. Many aren’t looking for a BDSM to this extent.
I’m also not looking to be a 24/7 relationship, so how is this even possible?