Why do I prefer BDSM compared to vanilla sex?
I don’t have an answer to it, even after close to 25 years of experience (on and off).
Insecurity used to be the word that came to my mind.
I have very different personalities when at work and off work. Of course, off-work ‘me’ is the real me. Probably. Or is it?
Professional, intelligent, problem solver, tactful, fierce, protective of others – at work. One person described about me to another person by saying ‘the sharpest mind he’s worked with and does not back down if (I) need to protect (the company’s) interest’, and also warned others ‘do not be fooled by (my) soft way that (I) speak’ or by how I keep on smiling under pressure. A definition of a dominant personality, isn’t it?
It is so difficult when my nature is almost a flip image of me in the professional context. Quiet, wants to avoid confrontation and wants to be protected by someone, happy for someone else to make decisions for me.
Oh did I choose a wrong profession? Maybe.
In private life, beauty also matters. I am not a beautiful looking woman. As I said before, I’ve had weight issues all my life. So my insecurity has led me to BDSM thinking that it must be easier to find a person who would be interested in me. Whilst I believed this for a long time, I think I was fooling myself as I didn’t want to admit how much I loved BDSM.
It’s really….our taste. Just like we all have different taste about sex.
I noticed this when I was thinking a lot about the my recent exchanges of messages with a dom. Well… he is…not stupid. He will pick up any inconsistencies if there were any. Also, if I had made it clear to him that I won’t accept any lies from him, I shouldn’t as well.
Lots of questions from him. So that he can understand my limits and find out what I love to do, what I want to do and where he can push me. Meaning, I had to clearly admit to him that I like certain activities to the extent that I wasn’t ready to admit.
However, if I don’t answer these, how am I going to set my limits? I usually don’t set many limits but for some reason, I decided to set certain limits this time. I am feeling that we are equal. And it should be. If what I said isn’t what he expected, and if he doesn’t like my answer, he would leave and I will find someone else (I’m repeating this – don’t be a doormat!) . Also, being very specific about the answers I give are important too. What’s rough sex? (another post on this!) The answers will give him a starting point. Whether he wants to push the limit and whether I accept it being pushed is another separate matter for us.
I want to hand over my total control whilst I am in the session to a right person. There is pleasure in letting the dom do whatever he wants and him getting pleasure out of me. The more intense the sessions we engage in are, the dom has to more carefully observe me and control what he does, or what I do. If he wants to push my limits, he would have to be more careful.
His whole attention is on me and only me.
My whole attention is on him. Using every senses that I have. Following every intuition. Whether it is a pain, pleasure, crying…everything, if done correctly will amplify what I feel. I can be honest with myself – enjoy sexual pleasure or cry like a child. I feel his strength and his emotions through where he touches me.
That’s why I didn’t like play parties and events too much.
Similar to how I carefully observe others when I’m at work, I observe what dom may be thinking when we are in the BDSM session. How is he reacting to what I said or what I did? Is he aroused? Is he upset? What can I do more to please him?
There is an element of a mind game. If I intentionally ignore or not follow his orders, will he pick it up and punish for it? How would I make it so subtle but still make him understand that it’s intentional? Or am I going to let him know that it’s intentional and be severely punished? Will he or will he not recognise this? How would I communicate what I want without telling him in words? What mood am I in today? Sometimes these are split moment decisions to make!
Unlike vanilla sex, BDSM is different from a person to person. I didn’t say ‘a couple (a pair of a dom and a sub)’. I change depending on who I am with. What I wear, how I act, what I allow him to do and what I do to him. Nothing is the same. It changes every time even with a same dom.
All these, with someone I respect and someone who respects me. It’s really intense. The intensity that I cannot get from vanilla sex.